How I started

Meditation oh no such a hard thing and it was me  making so many excuses everyday and when one day I was sitting under a tree my inner Self asked me a question ,How can I help you ,Pawan when you already know the answers,the way. Suddenly I realized I was taught such rubbish in my school,college and it was great of me I left my education and better we called uneducated then learning rubbish(sorry if someone takes this to heart). I am one person lost ,lost ways again and again and all because I seldom learned from mistakes…but the self wanting  to help me came as a blessing which made me start the journey,journey into the inner being,the real me,who I am rather than be lost in who I had become.

The easy ways I started…..started meditating for very short period-started with 1 minute sometimes 10 sometimes 15 times a day and suddenly body was finding it easy. Sometimes did not sit started doing it while walking or doing some work at my father’s shop. Simply inhaled and exhaled watching the breath touching the navel( will write about this more). Three parts this meditation touches ,moves by 1.physically (body),2.egoism(mind) and 3.spiritualism(soul). When I started after closing the eyes, the first thought which always came was see ,Pawan it is so dark what will you find here,everything is outside(my mind loves me..smiles). Then another question popped up can you quiet me(mind) ,my soul suddenly answered let me just relax you do what you want to….slowly I got to sit for 10-15 minutes and my mind started to be silent and I felt relaxed. Always try shorter moments and feel connection.Just try and feel relaxed as the mind will continue its chattering ,all we need is be in the moment let mind go here and there.


Self questioning and answering

Many times in life we really want to do something and because it was feeling ,maybe passion or a desire we do it……but suppose things don’t go the way we wanted some thoughts on daily basis attacks us …….I don’t know whether they attack you all or not but I am attacked ,and these last few days attacked many times a day. What I am trying to find out is answers to reply to these attacks……the question

Q.How to get rid of the thoughts of past disturbing my present?

Two decisions I made or say I was made to make do keep hurting me ,to be honest very badly I suffer but thanks to this passion of writing and sharing it here keeps me still grounded and I am able to walk on the path I selected,the spiritual path. One of the two is I had to leave my father’s house at the age of 35(might look odd but in Indian tradition and especially in HINDU religion and marwari caste the son and father they are together till one dies,and normally the son looks after the traditional business of the father)…so was I doing the same. But I have a strong desire which is formed to a basic need now that I want to work for the humanity and somehow everyday bring smile to atleast one face and help people to know how to live life on their own terms following their passion and reaching the ultimate goal of life,the state of Bliss.I told him about him and asked for few days off from work and asked him for money ,suddenly he surprised me by saying what have I earned that I ask money and if I need off it has to be forever…I was like aah. But i cared for my passion and am working on it,don’t know how to start but determined to find a way. The second thing my Soul Mate left me alone and I suffered a lot and still feel hurt at times when her memories come . Two questions……1. Was right in taking decision of leaving my father when I knew I had no place to stay and no money for food? 2..Was I right in going into relationship very early?

Now when many say me I am wrong as I failed or look as a failure for now , it hurts for a moment but then I give no importance to their question and I feel okay ,but when my inner self questions I do feel hurt .This inner fight is hardest thing to face .I personally am attacked lots of times by these thoughts and try to distract myself by getting engaged in other things but once I am back again to rest these thoughts provoke again and whole peace is lost. How to fight these inner demons? a thought came and I see that somehow it is me who is creating misery for myself. If my father didn’t like it ,its okay if its my passion and it will help me grow all I need is to keep moving,find ways ,find a job and get a house to stay…now passion is there but important is to make up and look the present conditions too…find job where I will get enough to have daily bread and butter and pay necessary rents and have more time to explore myself …thus it is great of my father and II from heart am grateful to him,because had he not taken that decision I would have been stuck at his shop and could never find time for me to grow,Thank you Dad.

After the break up thoughts came and questions started forming,How could I be such a fool?How could I get hurt?and so many ,cannot even write now smiles,asking deeper I found that no one is born perfect and so what if I failed. I asked my mind okay tell me had this worked what could you have questioned then or would you have praised me…come on now stop playing these dirty games. A person who faces lots of problems in life has maximum chances of learning more so I am thankful to her. Thing is I was very fast into calling out for a relation,I should have taken time ,understood her better,understood her dreams-wishes-desires-wants-needs….but I acted fast and so things didn’t go right. When we go to market we take hell lot of time in deciding for clothes or accessories or even for decorative pieces but this was inner decision ,a decision for life and we usually act fast to it and waste time on taking decision which are temporary.

I accepted that I have failed in my decisions and have now learned a lesson,the more we learn the more experiences we gain and this is wisdom, accepting the failures and overcoming them. So since I was sad and hurt I started going to the root cause and now can say learned.But when something goes wrong for first time it is not termed mistake only if we continue repeating it then it is mistake .Why does if I failed or had been successful matter ,to be stuck is mistake,to be thinking more about is mistake,to be sad about it is mistake. How can I let my past ruin my present and the Universe is so big it consumes all our mistakes.Mistake is not bigger then me,never ,so all I need is to move and grow. And these small mistake have taught me patience,the biggest hardest thing to learn is to be patient  but I am been blessed by Dad and her as I am more full of patience so that I can make choices in right way and take decisions of life in proper manner.




















Forgiveness Karma

We need to understand the most fundamental thing, we people in general think that forgiveness is for those who are worthy of it,for those who deserve it. But if somebody deserves, is worthy of forgiveness, it is not much of a forgiveness because we are not doing anything on our part the other already deserves it. This does not really tell us as a being of love and compassion. Our forgiveness will be authentic only when even those who don’t deserve it receive it only then it will show our real love and compassion flowing.It is not a question of whether a person is worthy or not. The question is whether our heart ,whether we are ready or not.

A story I read in a mystic book- of a significant woman mystics, Rabiya al-Adabiya, a Sufi woman who was known for her very eccentric behavior. But in all her eccentric behavior there was a great insight. Once, another Sufi mystic Hasan was staying with Rabiya. Because he was going to stay with Rabiya, he had not brought his own holy Koran, which he used to read every morning as part of his discipline. He thought he could borrow Rabiya’s holy Koran, so he had not brought his own copy with him.In the morning he asked Rabiya, and she gave him her copy. He could not believe his eyes. When he opened the Koran he saw something which no Mohammedan could believe: in many places Rabiya had corrected it. It is the greatest sin as far as Mohammedans are concerned; the Koran is the word of God according to them. How can you change it? How can you even think that you can make something better? Not only has she changed it, she has simply cut out a few words, a few lines — removed them. Hasan said to her, “Rabiya, somebody has destroyed your Koran!” Rabiya said, “Don’t be stupid, nobody can touch my Koran. What you are looking at is my doing.” Hasan said, “But how could you do such a thing?” She said, “I had to do it, there was no way out. For example, look here: the Koran says, “When you see the devil, hate him.” Since I have become awakened I cannot find any hate within me. Even if the devil stands in front of me I can only shower him with my love, because I don’t have anything else left. It does not matter whether God stands in front of me, or the devil; both will receive the same love. All that I have is love; hate has disappeared. The moment hate disappeared from me I had to make changes in my book of the holy Koran. If you have not changed it, that simply means you have not arrived to the space where only love remains.”

We all want to be forgiven if we make a mistake,worthy or unworthy we don’t see,right..then why can’t we simply forgive the other .Simple the other also expects the same behaviour as we are expecting from them…asking a question to self,Do we want others to make us realize our mistakes or want them to forgive us? Now simply putting ourselves in his place the answer we get ,so why we say some are worthy some are not,who are we to decide. 

Just understanding all people ,all animals,all things of the whole world likes that no one hurts them ,the same what we want ….this understanding is spiritual living.  धर्म(DHARAM) or say creed on spiritual living is that we should not hurt someone from thought,body,word,action. Moral Science teaches us that we should treat others the same way we want to be treated by others.,the essence of Buddha.The behaviour we want from others we need to act that way.A bit hard in the world today but trust me as I trust spirituality we will suddenly meet people of same vibes.

How can we ever be happy by being jealous of others,by criticizing others,how can we be happy by hurting others ,we cannot be ,for sometimes maybe we feel good but in a few moments our whole self will start suffering ,now this is Karma….nothing going to happen later everything happens in the same period. We somehow think Karma is something which will happen later and maybe God will punish afterwards,come on we need to be knowing why will God even hurt us,we are his loving childrens..he can never see us suffer,never. We get what we give in just few moments itself ,only a bit of deep understanding of self is needed to realize this. When ever you hurt someone or even think bad of someone see into your heart there suddenly will arise chaos ,noises ,unhappiness and this itself is Karma.Somehow we are growing in ages but we are still childlish in thinking that there is some Karma to happen later.

karmasee you throw a book the near book will fall on you …..this is Karma.

Let me help you with more practical example……with a prayer. First prayer “Oh LORD in this world whoever are whether human,animals,plants,tress,insects may all have peace ,may all be happy,may all be free from suffering,may all get love,may all be good”…..observe the feelings of your heart.                 Second prayer”Oh LORD whoever all are whether human,animals,plants,trees,insects living in this world may suffer,may die,may always be unhappy,may always remain in misery”……..observe the feelings deep inside. I am so sure there is feeling of guilt after second prayer ,see this is Karma the moment we even think bad (action) the feelings in heart(result) is there. The heart beats faster after second prayer which was beating so softly after first prayer.There is no theory to study about Karma all is practical,instant,nothing in future.

Now with this first prayer the world is not going to change,nor things will be like we want but we will feel at peace,we will be in BLISS,the ultimate goal of life.The problems of the world will be there but things around us will change.When we ourselves are happy and in peace we around us will create happiness and people around us will be happy and in peace all because we are sending positive vibes. The new science also accepts that the universe, including us, is made up of energy, not matter. … Quantum physics says that as you go deeper and deeper into the workings of the atom, you see that there is nothing there – just energy waves. Thus the waves we send will come back to us.Therefore the more relaxed we are the more possibilities of been successful .If our inner self is understood and we can meditate it will bring us to the state of a rain cloud, we will forgive everyone without any judgment out of our abundance, out of our love, out of our compassion and won’t then think who is worthy or who is unworthy.




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As I continue my journey ,a journey into my inner self ,realizing what I have to so and not to do without anymore judging what is wrong and what is right….I see that a moment when I turned back a little I show I was not able to walk on the path because it seemed I was still blaming others and I was as if blaming you for not continuing the love relationship ,so I stop here a bit and I ask for your apology. I indeed thank you for having taught me so much on the path of life journey till you where with me.

Lessons learnt…….on the path during when you and I walked together.

  • Learned and it took me time to accept we are all alone. The whole earth seems to be crowded but still I was alone as I see many are,almost all are. Even when we are in the crowd with others we are still alone. This loneliness became unbearable and now I see this is one reason ,a reason I wanted to get rid of this loneliness, made me create relationship with you so that I could very easily forget myself and my loneliness, so that the time whenever I was with you I could escape from this loneliness that in itself says I really didn’t understand or know what real love is. With this loneliness I was trying to  make a world of my own,forgetting I am part of this cosmos. This world meant that in this relationships my loneliness can be forgotten. And now as I walk knowing my inner self a bit I have learned to accept this loneliness because this is my own nature. I no more run away from it, nor avoiding it but I accept it, embrace it because this is my nature.
  • Love is actually painful because it is a transformation. And all this was going to be painful because the old me had to be left for the new. Love is a fundamental for self-knowledge and you helped me earn that. If we cannot know ,understand the other and are not in deep love we will never truly know the other . If there was love with intense passion ,with deep ecstasy then both become mirror for each other and we are then able to see each other. Thank you for allowing and becoming my mirror by loving me deep.
  • It is all because of you that I learnt the art of knowing self,the true method,the real one, meditation as I am becoming a watcher. On the journey of life we will be accepted ,we will be rejected,we will have to face failure,we will see success also, we will be praised at times many may condemn us also,  many all kinds of things come in life, but see all are dualities. As we go on seeing,watching,looking at these dualities from the SOURCE a third dimension arises in us,it is a blessing by the Universe itself. Happiness and unhappiness the two dualities we watch and suddenly a deep dimension in the depth arises ,i.e the witnessing,we become the watcher. Lesson learned that at this moment I will be Bliss,the third dimension brings out. This bliss has no opposite.